Slayers Later On: Chimera's Eternal Revenge
by Silver Unicorn
Summary: Zel figures out a plan to get his revenge on Rezo for turning him into a chimera...Rezo is going to have the worst days in his whole life if he has to wear pink... hopefully no one will have to eat Eris's Possum stew, but you never know...
1. AMAZING! Zelgadis Has an Idea

Slayers Later on: Chimera's Eternal Revenge  
  
Disclaimer: (Geez how many of these have you read in this site???) I don't own anything, never have, and never will. The end.  
  
Chapter 1: AMAZING! Zelgadis has an Idea  
  
(Lina Inverse, sorceress extraordinaire, bandit killer, dragon slayer and whatnot, Gourry Gabriev, the dumb-as-dirt swordsman, Amelia Wil Tesla Seiruun, champion of justice, and our hero (?) Zelgadis Greywords, also called "heartless mystical swordsman," are all gathered around a buffet table in some nameless town. Lina and Gourry, as you may have already guessed, are stuffing their faces like there's no tomorrow, and Amelia is still getting her food. Zelgadis is sitting by himself pouting as usual and sipping his coffee.)  
  
Zelgadis: Hmmmm.  
  
(Zelgadis had been planning.something. No one knows exactly what it is.)  
  
Zelgadis: (Stands up suddenly, lightbulb appears over his head) AHA! I'VE GOT IT!!! (Lina, startled by the noise, suddenly begins choking on her ramen noodles. Gourry starts whacking her with his Sword of Light.)  
  
Amelia: Mr. Zelgadis, what did you get?  
  
Zelgadis: (Scowls) That was a figure of speech, Amelia. I have an idea. I have been planning my revenge on Rezo, who is the COMPLETE IDIOT who gave me this utterly GROTESQUE body, and now I finally figured out a way to carry out my life's master plan!  
  
Amelia: But Mr. Zelgadis, last week you said your life's master plan was to turn yourself back into a human!  
  
Zelgadis: I know, but this way we can have a little fun while we figure out how to do THAT.  
  
Amelia: If you say so.  
  
Lina: (finally stops choking) So Zel, what's your plan?  
  
(Just then Xellos mysteriously appears like he always does)  
  
Xellos: Now THAT is a secret!  
  
(Zelgadis punches Xellos and he lands in a barrel of pickles.)  
  
Zelgadis: Well.we're going to need a little help. And I don't think you're going to like who we're going to be getting the help from, but there is no other way. Oh, and we'll need to stop by the local tailor's shop, and.  
  
Lina: Something tells me this is going to cost a lot of money.  
  
Gourry: What were we talking about again?  
  
(Lina fireballs Gourry into oblivion and they all exit the buffet restaurant thingy. Meanwhile, in Rezo's secret tower #165738 ½, Rezo, Kopii Rezo, and Eris were all in the "laboratory" (Really a dingy old public restroom) trying to figure out a way to cure the original Rezo's blindness, like usual.)  
  
Eris: Gee Rezo, how come we always have to do what YOU want? I told you a jillion times I wanted to go bowling, but NOOOO, we have to stay here and do research!  
  
Kopii: Yeah research is boring! I wanna pump iron so I can be more powerful than you are!  
  
Rezo: SHUT UP AND LET ME CARRY ON MY RESEARCH! (Grabs a book from inside one of those little paper towel dispensers and starts investigating "the uses and properties of white magic.")  
  
Kopii: The least you could do is install one of those air fresheners in here man this place reeks!  
  
Eris: When was the last time anyone cleaned here anyway?  
  
Kopii: Who knows? I just wouldn't use the last bathroom stall on your right if I were you though.  
  
(Eris opens the stall and is immediately overwhelmed with a reaaaallly bad stench. Inside it is a toilet filled over the brim with poop, with a bottle of Gatorade stuck in the middle of it. She passes out on the spot.)  
  
Kopii: -_- What did I just say???  
  
Rezo: -_- (translation: angry face) Stop fooling around! If I'm ever gonna find my cure.  
  
Kopii: (Leaves the room, sighing) I'm going to go get a pizza. 


	2. BANDIT! Whatever happened to the Red Pr...

Chapter 2: BANDIT! Whatever happened to the Red Priest?  
  
(One day later, Eris and Zelgadis met to discuss everyone's favorite chimera's "master plan." Lina, Gourry, and Amelia were busy fighting monsters, dragons, etc. and could not come but maybe that was for the better.)  
  
Eris: (Still a little dizzy from the poop) Whaa. what were we discussing about Lord Rezo again?  
  
Zelgadis: (Sighs as he explains for the seventeenth time) Eris, I told you seventeen times, I need your help to get my revenge on Rezo!  
  
Eris: But why would you want revenge on Rezo? He's so cute and cuddly.  
  
Zelgadis: (Sweatdrops) Has she ever watched the first series of Slayers in her life??? REZO TURNED ME INTO A CHIMERA!!! I WANT REVENGE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND???  
  
Eris: Somebody should really install an air freshener in that lab it smells like an old, dingy bathroom!  
  
Zelgadis: Eris, use some of the few remaining brain cells you have to listen to me! (Man she sounds like Gourry!) Rezo is EVIL! He turned me into a ROCK PERSON! If you do what I tell you, I'll buy you some new spikes for your shoulders, okay?  
  
Eris: ^-^ (Snapping to attention) New shoulder spikes? What is it? I'll do anything!!!  
  
Zelgadis: (Starts whispering to Eris, who nods periodically) Okay, got that?  
  
Eris: Yep!  
  
Zelgadis: Well I think I'd better tell you again, so you don't forget. (Whispers again.) Now remember Eris, between now and tomorrow DON'T go into that bathroom stall again! I heard all about it from Kopii at the pizza place yesterday, so just go to the tailor, pick up my order, and execute the plan, all right?  
  
Eris: All right! Then can I have the shoulder spikes?  
  
Zelgadis: If you must.  
  
Eris: And get them in black and silver, okay???  
  
Zelgadis: I SAID I'D GET THE STUPID SPIKES NOW GO TO THE TAILOR'S PLACE AND DON'T BUG ME!!!  
  
(Eris runs off babbling like an idiot about shoulder spikes and Rezo. Zelgadis sighs and wonders exactly what he's gotten himself into this time. The next day in Rezo's manor (ya know, the place where he lives) Rezo woke up like usual and eats his breakfast, and he and Eris go up to his room so Rezo could decide what to wear and Eris would make sure it looked sensible, even though his entire wardrobe consisted of multiple copies of the same exact outfit. However, today would be different, since today was the day ERIS EXECUTED ZEL'S MASTER PLAN PHASE 1!!!)  
  
Rezo: (Randomly holds up a robe and shoulder guards out of his closet) Does this look okay?  
  
(Yep.Zel got Eris to switch every last one of Rezo's solid red robes and ordinary shoulder guards with something so utterly degrading that he would never hear the end of it. In this case, it was a Teletubbies-print robe and Blues Clues shoulder guards)  
  
Eris: (Snorting and trying not to laugh) Oh yeah Rezo! That looks.(snicker) wonderful.(starts shaking from holding it in)  
  
Rezo: Really? Is it red???  
  
Eris: (Very quickly) Of course it's red everything in your closet is red otherwise you wouldn't be the red priest, would you? (Falls down on the floor rolling in silent hysterics)  
  
Rezo: (Retreats to the bathroom to change) I don't know, something about you seems a little different today.maybe it's my imagination though, after all, there was that incident two days ago.(Returns to the master bedroom in the children's show ensemble) Eris, what does this outfit say to you?  
  
Eris: Children's-I mean, HORROR show? You look.evil.yes.uh...yes you do.  
  
Rezo: All right then, I guess now I'll go out to destroy that sorceress Lina Inverse, and .uh.her friends.would you care to join me?  
  
Eris: Are you kidding I wouldn't be caught dead with you!  
  
Rezo: What did you say?  
  
Eris: I mean, I can't cause I have to make.uh.possum stew?  
  
Rezo: Did you just say possum stew?  
  
Eris: Yes. Yes I did.  
  
Rezo: What the heck is possum stew? That sounds disgusting!  
  
Eris: It's.uh.a recipe some old dead lady who's dead gave me I think she was my grandpa or something like that but it's been in my family for generations and.  
  
Rezo: Ah, forget it, all I know is I'm going out to lunch today so I don't think I'll be having any of that.uh.possum stew. (Leaves)  
  
Eris: Phew!  
  
(Rezo travels along the countryside, through towns, and stuff like that. The whole time people look at him really weird and keep staring at him, but naturally he doesn't seem to notice. He eventually reaches a creepy forest.)  
  
Rezo: This seems like a nice creepy place where Lina and company would look for things to destroy.  
  
(Sure enough he is knocked off his feet by a huge explosion.)  
  
Lina: FLARE ARROWS! FIREBALL!  
  
Gourry: What were we trying to destroy Lina?  
  
Lina: ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING IN SIGHT! DON'T LEAVE A SINGLE THING INTACT!  
  
Amelia: I don't know something about this seems a bit unjust.  
  
(Just then they notice a sign: "Please be kind to our wildlife. This is a national park any mass destruction will result in a heavy fine and possible imprisonment. Sincerely Prince Philionel of Seiruun.")  
  
Amelia: Whaaa? THIS IS MY DADDY'S PARK! LINA! YOU DESTROYED IT! DADDY'S GONNA BE SO MAD! (Starts bawling)  
  
(Rezo pops out from behind what used to be a tree.)  
  
Rezo: Okay, Lina Inverse, hand the Philosopher's stone over to me!  
  
Lina: I don't have your stupid rock! I just sold it for 4,156,712 gold pieces! And they gave me a nice fancy restaurant to boot.(just notices Rezo's outfit).GEEZ REZO WHAT IN THE NAME OF SHABRANIGDO ARE YOU WEARING YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS!!!  
  
Rezo: What? I wear this every day! Just an ordinary red robe with turquoise and gray shoulder guards! What's so funny about that??? (Lina, Gourry, and Amelia stare at him, and then break into uncontrollable laughter. Zelgadis had left the group a while earlier so he wouldn't run into Rezo and immediately get blamed for the mishap.)  
  
Rezo: Oh forget you, I'm going back to my place to change! But I'll be back, believe me!  
  
(The gang ignores him and keeps laughing.) 


	3. CATASTROPHE! Rezo's Day Gets Worse

Chapter 3: CATASTROPHE! Rezo's Day gets Worse  
  
(Rezo storms into the manor, raging with fury. He finds Kopii (who, unlike his predecessor, can open his eyes at any given moment.)  
  
Rezo: Kopii, what am I wearing right now?  
  
Kopii: (Who is busy reading Marmalade Boy and doesn't even bother to look up) Clothes.  
  
Rezo: No really I never would have guessed.  
  
Kopii: All right already you're wearing the same red robes, same shoulder guards...like...you...always...do...(looks up, then starts laughing hysterically)  
  
Rezo: I knew it! What is so funny?  
  
Kopii: NOTHING I JUST NOTICED YOU'RE A BIG SUPPORTER OF PUBLIC...  
  
(Just then Eris happens to walk into the room and overhears the conversation. Before Kopii can say too much she starts freaking out and charading to him to STOP immediately—there was too much at stake, namely shoulder spikes!)  
  
Rezo: Go on, Kopii, what were you about to say?  
  
Kopii: Uh...this book is SO funny! Hahahaha! You should really read it! Hahahaha!  
  
Rezo: Somehow I have a feeling that isn't it...I'm going to go change before anyone else sees me in whatever ridiculous getup Eris has stuck me in.  
  
(Rezo leaves and Eris pulls Kopii over.)  
  
Eris: Kopii, I have to tell you something...  
  
Kopii: Let me guess. That grandson/great-grandson of Rezo's has gone and cooked up some crazy plan to embarrass Rezo into next week for turning him into a chimera, and somehow it involves you raiding Rezo's closet and dressing him up like a complete idiot, right?  
  
Eris: Yup. But you can't say anything about it to Rezo, whatever you do!  
  
Kopii: I like the whole public humiliation thing, but I'm not gonna keep quiet if there isn't anything in it for me!  
  
Eris: (Thinking...which doesn't usually come naturally to her) Uh...I'll buy you the latest Richard Simmons tape, "Dance your way to Buff Biceps and Tight Tushies!"  
  
Kopii: Deal! (They shake on it). With this latest installment of the series, I will one day become ultimately MORE POWERFUL THAN REZO! BWAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Eris: (Or have a nice butt...)  
  
(A few moments later Rezo is back in front of his closet with Eris wearing a red bathrobe over his monstrosity of an outfit.)  
  
Rezo: Eris, since you wrote all those nice things about me in your diary like how I was "really hot and nice and cute and cuddly" I will forgive you for the misery and torture you have put me through.  
  
Eris: What have I done? I haven't done anything! You are wearing your red robes as always! But if you insist you can go change...Hey! You read my diary??? How dare you...  
  
Rezo: (Grabs another random robe and shoulder guards. This time the robe is pink, with lace around the edges and little red hearts on it. The shoulder guards are also pink.) Okay, now tell me the truth. Is THIS one RED????  
  
Eris: (Holding in her laughter) Of course it is!  
  
Rezo: Are you SURE??? Cause if it isn't, remember I AM the most powerful human in the entire world!  
  
Eris: Geez, don't bite my head off it's red, it's red! Now go put it on and do stuff!  
  
(Rezo retreats into the bathroom again and puts on the robe and shoulder guards and comes out.)  
  
Rezo: So how do I look?  
  
Eris: You look pretty!  
  
Rezo: Go on, pretty what?  
  
Eris: Pretty...uh...masculine?  
  
Rezo: (Does a peace sign) You bet! Now off to the tavern! You can go make that possum stew you were talking about and feed it to Kopii or something!  
  
Eris: Will do... (Bursts out laughing once he's gone.)  
  
(Kopii walks in)  
  
Kopii: You know that wasn't very nice of you Eris.  
  
Eris: Well, he DID ask if he was wearing RED, he just didn't specify what SHADE of red he was wearing! Pink IS a kind of LIGHT red, right Kopii?  
  
Kopii: I guess...?  
  
(Rezo walks a couple of miles to the nearest tavern, where a bunch of people are sitting around eating...big surprise there. The creepy music that plays pretty much everywhere he goes gets louder and louder as he approaches the door. The people in the restaurant, knowing Rezo and his tendency to have violent mood swings, tremble in fear. Rezo's silhouette gets clearer and clearer on the other side of the frosted window of the door and the "clang, clang" sound from his staff gets louder and louder. A few people duck under their tables. The door opens...)  
  
Random Person 1: (Notices Rezo's new outfit) Heeheeheeheehee...hey check out the lady! Hehehehe!  
  
Random Person 2: It's Rezo the Pink Princess! Hahaha!  
  
(Rezo is too steamed to notice the comments and walks up to the counter.)  
  
Rezo: One order of ramen please.  
  
Bartender: Did you get dressed in the dark or something ma'am??? HEY CHEF ONE ORDER OF RAMEN FOR THE CROSS DRESSER!  
  
Rezo: !?!? (Just then he notices...the ends of his sleeves are all lacy...like a dress...)  
  
Bartender: Ya know, you remind me of a guy who came here about a week ago with a bunch of other people...said his name was Nuriko...he had purple hair just like you too...do you shop together or something?  
  
Rezo: (mutters a spell under his breath and soon the entire tavern is a pile of ashes and smoldering stuff) ERIS YOU ARE DEAD MEAT!!!!!!  
  
(Meanwhile, back in the manor...)  
  
Kopii: (Standing in front of the television in a tank top and biker shorts waiting for the onscreen instructions)  
  
Richard Simmons: Hey all you lucky people out there are you ready to get those biceps pumpin' and those Tushies tushin'? Do you have the DAAANCE FEEEEVER?  
  
Kopii: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH! (Jumps up and down all excited-like)  
  
Eris: O.o (Leaves room) Too scary to watch... 


	4. DISGUSTING! Richard Simmons, Possum Ste...

Chapter 4: DISGUSTING! Richard Simmons, Possum Stew, and more Fun with Rezo!  
  
(Zelgadis was now preparing to enter phase 2 of his ingenious plan. However, to successfully accomplish this required the assistance of the single most annoying character ever to walk the face of the planet: Xellos Metallium. Zel and Xel met at on a street corner in Seiruun to negotiate over the terms of the plan.)  
  
Xellos: I don't know, you DID punch me into a barrel of pickles two days ago...  
  
Zelgadis: XELLOS I REALLY NEED YOU!!! I'M DESPERATE!  
  
Xellos: Ohh...well if you're desperate for THAT...  
  
Zelgadis: You sick-o this is NOT a yaoi! It's a PG-rated fic about ME torturing REZO! Now I need YOU to help ME in this teensy little part of the plan, all right?  
  
Xellos: Ah, I understand, but what will I get out of it?  
  
Zelgadis: The pleasure of torturing someone?  
  
Xellos: I know that, but I was thinking more along the lines of...  
  
Zelgadis: I SAID THIS WASN'T A YAOI!!!  
  
Xellos: ^^;;; My, my you sure are dirty, Zelgadis. I meant, like a reward of sorts. You know, like (whispers something to Zelgadis)  
  
Zelgadis: You're kidding me, right? That is the single most childish idea in the world.  
  
Xellos: Hey, it's not MY fault my old Bop-it Extreme broke!  
  
Zelgadis: Whatever you say...  
  
(Back in Rezo's lab, the poop sits in the toilet.)  
  
(However, back in Rezo's MANOR, through a series of threats and beatings Eris returned Rezo's red robes and turquoise shoulder guards to their rightful owner. Rezo, now dressed like usual, walks into the main hall to find that Kopii was indeed hooked on phonics...uh...I mean, Richard Simmons.)  
  
Richard Simmons: Okay baby, work it work it! Jump in the air! Like you just don't care!  
  
(Kopii jumps high and lands with a crash, creating a hole in the floor. It knocks Rezo off his feet. Rezo hits his head on the floor and Kopii jumps again, this time falling through to the basement.)  
  
Kopii: I JUST DON'T CARE!!!!!!  
  
Rezo: Frankly I've noticed... (rubs his sore head and gets up, then goes into the kitchen.) Hey Eris, that possum stew smells surprisingly appetizing.  
  
Eris: Oh...right...(Looks around the kitchen; nothing's cooking.) That was...uh...the new air freshener I bought for the lab...  
  
(Just then, the doorbell rings)  
  
Rezo: I'll get it... (Opens the door. Xellos is standing there grinning.)  
  
Xellos: ^_^ Ah Rezo, my old pal! My buddy! My friend! My amigo! My enchilada!  
  
Rezo: I swear I don't know who the heck you are but go away NOW.  
  
Xellos: What? You mean you don't recognize me, your good friend Xellos, mysterious priest?  
  
Rezo: Oh...no. I've never seen you in my life. Now get out.  
  
Xellos: (Ignores him and walks inside) My, my, what a lovely place you've got here! Is this that new Richard Simmons tape? You have impeccable taste!  
  
Rezo: LEAVE THE VICINITY AT ONCE OR I'LL CALL THE COPS!!!  
  
Xellos: No need to be hostile, but if I leave, then you wouldn't be able to obtain these tickets I found, now would you?  
  
Rezo: Wait...what tickets?  
  
Xellos: (Puts his finger to his lips and closes one eye) Now THAT is a secret!  
  
Rezo: Cut the crap what have you got???  
  
Xellos: Relax, they're tickets to...(examines tickets; they say, "Free pass to Safari World: Real Lions! Real Tigers! Real Danger! Get thrown into pit of doom, death, and...other things...at Safari world!) ...Uh... (Almost gagging on the words) lovely, lovely, flowery hot spring...  
  
Rezo: Flowers? Hot springs? Sounds relaxing.  
  
Xellos: Yeah, I bet it is...  
  
Rezo: I need to relax. Have you been there before?  
  
Xellos: (finger to lips, one eye closed, yadda, yadda, yadda) Now THAT is a secret!  
  
Rezo: (Figured he'd say that). Just tell me how to get there....  
  
(Xellos reads the directions to Rezo off the back of the tickets until he has memorized it, then leaves for who-knows where, leaving Rezo with the tickets. Rezo leaves for the designated location and when he arrives, an old crusty guy with a Steve Irwin voice pulls up beside him in a clankety old jeep.)  
  
Guy: Hey there mate! You here for the time of your life?  
  
Rezo: I guess...(Wow, these hot spring people sure are enthusiastic!)  
  
Guy: ALL RIGHT THEN PILE IN!!!  
  
(Rezo hops into the jeep and they pull out into the open safari zone.)  
  
Guy: Watch out matey! There's some buggers 'ere that like to JUMP out at yeh!  
  
Rezo: Oh...is that so? (Spa people like to jump out at their customers? Sounds like a loving place after all...I'll have to thank that Xellos guy later...)  
  
Guy: Yeh don' have to be scared matey! Yeh can open yer eyes, ya know?  
  
Rezo: (I wish I could...)  
  
Guy: Crikey! We're pullin' up to the pit! Hang on!  
  
Rezo: -_- (Translation: O_o) The pit?  
  
Guy: Didn't yeh read the brochure?  
  
Rezo: Uh...yeah...? Someone read it to me...  
  
Guy: Then yeh know ALL about the dangers of this place, right?  
  
Rezo: Dangers...? (I never knew a hot spring spa could be dangerous, what, could someone spill cream on you or something?)  
  
Guy: Here! Take THIS! (hands Rezo a spear)  
  
Rezo: What is this? I already have a staff!  
  
Guy: It's yer DEFENSE, matey!  
  
Rezo: (I guess he was right that those people jump out at you...)  
  
Guy: OH NO WE'RE PULLIN' UP TO TH' BUNGALOW!!! Be VEEEERRRRY careful or yeh might get hit by one of them! (Points to something, Rezo takes no notice)  
  
Rezo: (Get hit, what do these people do, slap us with towels?)  
  
(All of a sudden a giant man-eating lion jumps out and impales the side of the jeep)  
  
Guy: CRIKEY!! IT'S THE LEADER OF TH' PACK!  
  
Rezo: Oh, you mean the manager? Good, should I hand him this get-in-free ticket?  
  
Guy: What, do yeh want to get yerself killed? Are you blind or something?  
  
Rezo: (Man he catches on quickly) I don't think he'll hurt me for handing him this coupon...  
  
Guy: Well, suit yerself...  
  
(Rezo jumps out of the jeep, and is immediately attacked by a rabid pack of lions. After a long period of time in which he is bitten, scratched, impaled, and whatnot, he finally manages to defeat them with a single fireball. He stands in the middle of the safari zone, bewildered and confused, not knowing which way to go to the exit...for the next couple of hours...) 


End file.
